If I keep telling myself that it didn't mean anything, maybe I'll mean it eventually. If I keep saying I'm not a bad person, maybe that will come true. It's not that I wanted that specifically. It's that I wanted to want it so I could justify having it. It didn't make it better. It didn't make me happier. It didn't do anything good. How is it that some people can live this way day to day?
I do not want to be one of those women who perpetually dates. I don't want to have a list 10,000 men long of everyone I've been out with. I also don't want to be infinitely single. Which unfortunately seems to be the trend in my life at the moment. I'd like to think my life is heading somewhere. With SOMEONE. Not all alone.
Everything in life has consequences. This is something I am sure you already know. But consider this. The consequences do not only affect you. They affect the people around you and perhaps, just maybe, people you've never met and never will. For instance, choose to abuse a privilege and it may be taken away. Simple enough with your parents. But do it at a public institution, and it's removed for everyone. Millions of people will be affected because you broke a rule or skipped a step. But no one ever thinks of these things. They only think about how the rules affect them. But then I won't get to have fun, the cool kids won't think I'm popular, and God forbid I have to throw away a freaking TWO DOLLAR BOTTLE OF WATER! But I won't think about what will happen if my bottle of water leaks on someone's thousand dollar laptop and then I have to pay for it because I broke the rules and then instead of just trusting people at the checkroom, we have to start searching bags for food and beverages. Talk about invasion of privacy. And it's your fault because you wouldn't suck it up, forget throwing a tantrum and just get rid of the water bottle. Idiots.
I am alone, confused, miserable, crazy, muddled, ridiculous, emotional, broke, backward, awkward and strange. It sucks. I can't sleep. And I'm stressed. And exhausted. I just want to sleep.